I admit that many times I have been singled out as a feminist because a large part of my articles are aimed at addressing issues that apparently belong exclusively to the field of women; However, in my own defense I have to argue that this is probably because my work as a psychotherapist has been almost entirely permeated by the female world.
It is women who, in a much (much) higher percentage, attend my sessions daily. So you could say that there lies a large part of my knowledge and inclination.
And this article will not be the exception.
Perhaps the question that serves as the title of this publication is the oldest question that has harassed the feminine spirit (and of course also some men) since man and woman looked at each other and decided to form couples. The desire to share life - at least at some point - with the other party, is one of the most vital needs in people. In fact, it is an essential factor so that, as a species, we have managed to stay so long at the peak of evolution.
As mentioned Arthur Schopenhauer: “Nature endowed us with an exquisitely perfect trap to survive as a species, and that trap is called infatuation”. If there were no infatuation, there would be no interest in the possible partner, and without that interest procreation would not be possible and the extinction of our species would come..
Falling in love is therefore what - biologically and in its origin - leads us to form a couple with the opposite sex (or the same sex); but this mechanism, despite being the most shocking of all those that refer to romance, is the most misleading.
Per se, the act of falling in love it is a stage that serves to cause blindness and hormonal insanity that causes us to be receptive to union with the other ... although sometimes, the other is not the most suitable for our emotional well-being. This is the reason why we go blind and crazy in it, it can be said that at this stage we stop seeing what it is because we want to see what we want.
When we meet someone - or more specifically in this case, you meet a man-, the whole chemical mechanism necessary for romance is put into operation. This is the release of hormones necessary by your brain so that you feel "in the clouds" and believe that you have found "Mr. Right ".
Some of these hormones are dopamine that is responsible for giving you a feeling of well-being in the presence of your lover; the estrogens that make you feel desire for him and the serotonin Y oxytocin that strengthen emotional ties, that is, they are responsible for you only concentrating on this man and no one else.
In this way, your brain distributes -to call it that-, through your bloodstream, a much higher amount of these hormones than would be normal, this is approximately 700 times more than normal. Enough to fry any head just like egg in a pan, right?
So literally and not symbolically, you go crazy during infatuation.
You may wonder. You can defend yourself by saying: "But feeling like this is sensational, the best one can live." And you are right, in part. The problem lies precisely in the shocking level that this chemical cocktail causes, because it is then possible that these pleasant sensations prevent you from seeing reality. What reality? The one that tells you, without a doubt, who the other person is.
Doesn't it happen to you that after a while, you start to notice that the man you fell in love with or chose is not the one he used to be? Almost as if it had been exchanged for another. Then you start thinking things like: “At what point did that change happen? He was not like that, before he was different ".
However, this is not true, because the person has always been the same, since you met him, only that you were not able to see his real personality due to the chemical blindness of falling in love. As after a while (about 6 to 18 months), the brain stops pumping so many hormones, you start to see what is there. You stop falling in love.
Now, can falling in love be lived without madness? I'm afraid the answer is no, you can't. Whenever we fall in love we are going to be upset, that is their function. However, what can be controlled is the degree of blindness we maintain in it. Because contrary to what many "in loveThey believe, you can live an intense and passionate infatuation in a way -more or less-, prudent and vigilant, which is essential to avoid choosing your man badly.
And this can be done when you understand that while the chemical ratio is a fundamental reason for making the wrong choice, it is only half of the equation. There are other reasons why you make a mistake when choosing a man and that, together with the chemical cocktail, close the clamp of a possible illness with a poor or not at all suitable partner.
It is evident that all of us make decisions in the present permeated by our past. And the case of the partner choice is no exception. When you choose a man and fall in love, old ideas are unleashed about what relationships should be like and what the type of man is who will make it happen..
Many of these ideas eventually become paradigms, that is, mental paths that the person follows without hardly questioning whether they are adequate or not.
However, paradigms have to be in constant renewal and change, that is, they must adapt to the current situations in your life or you run the risk of locking yourself in a rigid and inflexible room.. When you choose a partner badly, it is almost always the result that said paradigms - already dysfunctional - have become a trap.
Throughout my work I have been able to notice many ideas turned into paradigms that lead to inappropriate love unions on the part of a woman with a man. Here I will only mention four of them.
This issue is reinforced by the fact of having suffered from the absence of a father figure, since the father is the girl's first and decisive encounter with a member of the opposite sex. This sense of abandonment could be real (death, divorce, physical absence) or emotional (father present but not involved with the emotional life of his daughter).
When the girl grows up she looks in her man for what she did not have and does so in the image of someone who looks a lot like dad (physically, emotionally or even in his own shortcomings).
Or as we psychologists know it: codependency. Usually women who end up with addicted men (to substances, infidelities, violence, etc.), are those who have the idea that "they can change it with their love".
I call him ambulance complex, because they are personalities who go through the city in search of wounded souls that can heal with their care. However, these wayward souls hardly want to be helped and end up wrapping these women in pathological relationships full of suffering.
Of course, the fear of loneliness is natural in human beings since it is an evolutionary question of survival, however, in a matter of romance it has more to do with the irrational belief that you will not be able to take charge of your own life and that without the presence of a couple you are not worth much.
Both fears originate from misconceptions of other people and that you have taken as yours. Which brings me to the fourth point.
This point is one of the most recurrent in the mistakes of women in love. The pressure of the environment, through society and the famous biological clock, They prevent you from giving yourself adequate time to reflect on whether you are really ready to be with someone or if, on the contrary, you still have a long way ahead to travel brilliantly but with yourself..
Of course, here I am quite restricted in space to address each of the topics as required, but it is my confidence that at least this article provides you with a beginning in your own knowledge regarding your choice of men and the ideas that you have. couple.
Remember that when choosing a man you will start to fall in love and you will go crazy, without a doubt, but the quality of that stage and of your subsequent love relationship can be positively affected if you are able to reflect a little more about the mental reasons that accompany it. to physical reason. Until next time.
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