Stop being shy, Quiet and insecure is possible, it is not an incorrigible and permanent personality trait forever. With certain habits and some effort you can be less shy and learn to talk with women, men, in public or with anyone.
We live in a society in which there seems to be no place for shy or introverted people, since qualities such as openness to others, the ability to take risks and sociability are valued.
Here it is important to note the difference between being shy and being an introvert. A shy person is someone who finds it difficult to talk to others, because they feel discomfort or shame. Being an introvert is someone who needs to spend time alone, enjoys solitude, although he knows how to socialize, and does not have to be shy.
That is, someone shy is an introvert, but someone introverted can know how to relate well with others, even if they like to be alone..
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Some authors, such as Zimbardo and Radl (1985), define shyness as “a defense mechanism that allows the person to evaluate novel situations through an attitude of caution, in order to respond adequately to the demands of the situation. ".
The concept of shyness also includes other dimensions, such as fear or fear, low self-esteem, insecurity problems, difficulties in socializing, suspicion, muscular tension and physiological activation..
In relation to the causes of shyness, there have traditionally been two different positions:
In any case, what has been revealed is that one of the most relevant causes for a person to become shy is the lack of personal experiences. Therefore, it is necessary to have vital experiences to overcome shyness.
Until now, you have been running away from social situations that made you feel upset, made you blush, sweat, or stutter..
In this way, escaping from unpleasant social situations, you have learned that you prefer solitude and isolation to the difficult task of relating to others..
If you continue with this dynamic, you will never be able to overcome your shyness and improve in other aspects of your life -such as work, academic, etc.-, so you must cut this vicious circle as soon as possible.
What you should do is start attending parties, birthdays and dinners with co-workers, family or friends, even if at first you do not interact with many people.
The important thing is that you learn to deal with the discomfort caused by facing the presence of others and that, little by little, you take the initiative to interact with them effectively.
Once you are used to attending these types of events, you will feel more secure and confident to take the next steps.
Your non-verbal language can reveal if you are comfortable or uncomfortable, if you are nervous or relaxed. If you don't want to appear shy, nervous, or anxious, you could start by changing some aspects of your non-verbal language:
Avoiding looking someone else in the eye when talking to them is another indicator of shyness and insecurity. By looking others in the face, you expose yourself to receiving feedback on what they are thinking about you - since the other person may show confusion, disapproval, etc..-.
As in the previous case, in which we recommended you to deal with social events, in this case you also have to make a progressive direct exposure.
If you find it very complicated at the beginning -or you lose the thread of the conversation-, you can gradually increase the time during which you are maintaining eye contact.
The objective is that it is a fluid and natural conversation, not that you stay 100% of the time without looking away from the eyes of your interlocutor. In fact, it is recommended that eye contact is maintained 60 - 70% of the time that you are interacting.
This should also be taken into account in other situations in which showing adequate non-verbal language can be of great help - such as in a job interview.-.
If you avoid showing your hands - for fear of shaking or sweating - others may perceive that you are not too comfortable in that situation.
This is an aspect that politicians take great care of when they have to give a speech, since, unconsciously, they can convey the feeling of insecurity if they have a strange behavior with their hands.
It is advisable to make smooth and natural movements when speaking, without gesturing excessively but without hiding the hands.
If you are a shy person, surely you have noticed that the tone of your voice tends to be low, so that sometimes others cannot hear what you say.
Although it may be difficult at first, raising your voice will help you show greater confidence and self-confidence in front of others..
At first, when you start to have your first social contacts more frequently, it will be difficult for you to speak at length - for fear of boring others, not knowing how to link one topic with another, etc..-.
In this way, when you have these fears, you are sure to give monosyllabic answers - such as "yes", "no", "I don't know", among others. For your conversations to be satisfactory and smooth, try to give broad answers that are related to the topic you are talking about..
For example, if they ask you where you live, instead of saying “in Madrid”, you can say: “I am living in Madrid, but I am from Soria. I came here because I found a job last year ".
As you can see, you can give more comprehensive answers that reveal more information about your personal life..
When it's easy for you to talk for more than a minute at a time, try increasing the time or number of times you interact with others - talk more often and for longer-.
Try to lose the shame to compliment other people - as long as they are honest - in relation to their skills, clothing, etc..
For example, if you go to a party where the host has prepared a delicious dish, compliment him on his cooking skills, show interest in learning about the recipe, etc..
One way to continue the conversation would be to talk about other recipes that you know or would like to learn..
If you start a conversation in this way, you will surely not have much difficulty continuing to speak naturally and spontaneously, even on other topics of conversation..
In the same way that it is important that you learn to pay compliments to others, you need to learn to receive them. So instead of being overly modest, be grateful and flattered..
Continuing with the previous example, if a person tells you that you have a good hand in the kitchen, you could explain who gave you the recipe, when you learned it or how much time you have invested in cooking it.
Accepting compliments from other people will show you as a less shy person, more confident and with confidence in yourself.
It is very important that you begin to change the internal language that you maintain with yourself. Surely, until now you have always said phrases like: "everyone will realize how embarrassing I am" or "I'm going to make a fool of myself speaking in public".
As you can imagine, this type of thinking, far from helping you achieve your purpose, prevents you from developing adequate social behavior.
To avoid these catastrophic thoughts, you can begin to modify them by self-instructions of courage and effectiveness, which consist of:
Having good experiences with others, interacting in a discerned environment, will help you change your vision of social relationships..
Try to find an activity that suits your interests and abilities, rather than choosing a competitive sport that doesn't appeal to you. Surely meeting people who share your hobbies and interests will make it much easier for you to relate to them.
This is also a good opportunity to interact with other people in your free time, with the added advantage that they did not know you previously and you can "start from scratch" in your relationship with them -without being seen as the shy or withdrawn of the group-.
Many people who show a shy or withdrawn attitude act as if it is more interesting to listen to the lives of others than to talk about their own. If this is your case, try to appreciate how interesting your life and personal experiences can be..
Avoid phrases like "my work is very monotonous" or "my life is very boring" and think about everything that can arouse interest in others, talking about the anecdotes of your last trip, the book you are reading, a movie that you found hilarious, etc.
Surely if you stop to think about it, you have many conversation topics that may interest others.
For the conversation to run smoothly, you must focus your attention on the topic of conversation, what the other person is saying, and what you want to convey..
Focusing your attention on yourself, on what others may be thinking about you, that you are shaking or your hands are sweating, will make the conversation an uncomfortable moment for both of you - for yourself and for the listener.-.
Another aspect that you should keep in mind is to focus on the here and now. Do not allow your mind to be elsewhere, but in front of the person who is speaking to you and focused on the conversation you are having.
Therefore, try to be as natural and spontaneous as possible, so that you get to enjoy while you interact.
Shyness is a personality trait, a way of being and relating to the world that you have been learning from your first social interactions.
This is a fairly stable dimension, so it won't be easy to stop being shy overnight. For example, if you haven't been to a crowded party in years, you should reward yourself after attending one.
The important thing is that you apply these tips little by little, so that you avoid overwhelming yourself and developing a greater fear of interpersonal relationships..
In addition, valuing your effort and your progress will help you keep moving forward, so that you reach your final goal..
And you, what other tips would you add to overcome shyness?
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