Many parents wonder if the act of spoiling a child can have negative consequences for their development and well-being. Many times with the intention of giving the best education we downplay the importance of affective aspects such as: caresses, hugs, kisses, affectionate words or compliments.
Studies on the subject propose that there are two important factors that have a relevant implication in the education of children: control and affection. How can we combine them so that the result in education is optimal?
Control is a system of rules that are established in families through which expectations are clear and consequences are foreseeable (This is the desired shape although it is not always the case). The consequences can be positive if the child meets expectations (positive reinforcement) or negative if the child deviates from the norm (negative reinforcement, punishment).
By affection we understand a relationship that is established with the child in which the father covers the child's needs, offers him support, caresses and hugs him frequently and assures him of all the affection. As described Daniel goleman in his book Emotional intelligence (Goleman, 1996) "there is nothing that motivates more than love".
In studies conducted by Diana Baumrind In the years 1971-1978 the researcher observed that children's behaviors depend to a large extent on the educational style What do parents practice?.
Educational styles are patterns of behavior and attitudes maintained by parents educating their children. They are constant ways of responding to the needs and demands of the children.
The observations described by this author have been confirmed by recent research and it is considered that depending on the two factors described above (control and affect) may result four educational styles:
Parents impose many rules to control children's behavior by demonstrating little affection. Parents highly value discipline and they ask obedience. They tend to be parents who do not respond to the child's needs, use authority and establish strict rules.
This educational style leaves little room for autonomy, limits the child's responses and initiatives. Parents do not allow the child to participate in family decision-making and physical punishment is very likely to be used in education.
Studies show that children from authoritarian homes tend to be more conflictive, irascible, distrustful, unhappy, and they also tend to have self-esteem problems.
They tend to internalize social norms but Social competence is usually low and they use inadequate strategies to deal with interpersonal conflicts. They tend to have adaptation and integrity difficulties in the school environment and their academic results are usually low.
This educational style is a risk factor in the appearance of behavior problems. Excessive use of physical punishment increases the likelihood of adolescents engaging in criminal behavior.
Parents have limited time devoted to parenting activities and most of the time they focus on their own interests. Both control and attention to the child's needs are limited. They offer little support and affection, and set few limits.
Children who have received such an education tend to have poor social skills, behavior problems, and aggressiveness.
Other consequences of this educational style can be problems of anxiety and depression, as well as low self-esteem and lack of empathy. Childhood experiences of neglect and abuse are associated with antisocial and delinquent behavior in adolescence.
It is characterized by being a style through which parents offer a lot of affection and they are very attentive to the needs of their children but they set few limits and have very low demands.
They avoid imposing rules and allow the child to regulate his own behavior. Parents are tolerant of a large number of behaviors and avoid punishment. They consider themselves unconventional, sensitive and loving parents, offering great freedom of action.
Adolescents who come from permissive homes they do not tend to internalize social norms, they have problems controlling impulsivity, they do not tolerate frustration, they have emotional self-regulation problems and have school difficulties. Paradoxically, it has been found that these young people have high self-esteem and greater self-confidence.
It has also been found that these young people are more predisposed to drug use (alcohol, tobacco, drugs).
Parents who use this educational style are very attentive to the needs of their children and offer them a lot of affection, and they also have well established limits and demands adapted to the child's maturational capacities.
These parents show respect for their children, offer them the necessary support and stimulate their autonomy. Settle down clear rules and limits with contingent consequences (Appropriate behaviors are rewarded, the child's efforts are appreciated, and unwanted behaviors are corrected). They are parents who guide their children, establish commitments and respect the decisions, interests and opinions of the minor.
They are loving, receptive, explain and reason the decisions made. They ask for appropriate behavior and stick to the rules.
Children who are educated under these premises are usually children energetic, with high self-confidence and self-esteem, competent and mature, empathetic, altruistic, presenting a good emotional state and good academic results.
These children tend to be more self-confident, more assertive, with greater self-control, they explore more and experience greater emotional well-being. An appropriate combination of control and affection leads to healthy and happy children, and helps to form a secure attachment.
Studies show that: both high permissiveness and higher authority can have unwanted effects on child development.
It must be taken into account that the relationships between parents and children are established individually, that is, the mother may have a relationship with her daughter different from that of the father and apply different educational styles, but in general their ways of educating tend to coincide.
Grandparents tend to be more permissive and pampering a grandchild more, but this is usually not a problem if the parents lay a good foundation. It is convenient to have a consensus in education and communicate the expectations in each relationship, without forgetting that we are different, we have different opinions and our own ways of approaching situations.
Thus, if these differences are considered, diversity is appreciated and the individuality of each member or participant in educational work is respected., the results usually satisfy each of the parties involved and strengthen the commitment towards common goals.
The educational style is related to the type of attachment, it has a consequence in the personal identity and conditions the future relationships of the child. In conclusion, pampering a child is desired if it is combined with rules and demands adapted to their maturational level.. A spoiled child is a happy child.
References:
Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional intelligence. Barcelona: Kairós.
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