Perinatal Grief How to Cope with the Loss of a Child

The perinatal grief it is the process that people go through after the loss of an unborn child and, generally, it is a loss not recognized by society. When something like this happens, you feel a heartbreaking pain, your life loses meaning, your schemes are broken and nothing matters anymore.. 

There is no longer any rush, pending tasks or that work report that you had to deliver urgently. Your world has come to a standstill at the loss of your loved one.

Now think for a moment about one of the greatest losses of your life, about the pain you felt, how your world fell apart, the time it took you to get over it ... and ask yourself: what would that moment have been like if no one had recognized my loss

The loss of the child could have occurred in several ways:

• For a miscarriage.
• For a voluntary abortion.
• For a voluntary abortion due to fetal malformations.
• For a voluntary abortion because the mother's life is in danger.
• Due to the selective reduction of the pregnant woman (in the case of twins, triplets ...) due to the fact that one of the babies has a problem / malformation or for any other reason.
• Due to complications in childbirth.
• Etc.

Although throughout the article we talk about grief for the loss of unborn children, perinatal grief includes the losses produced from the moment of conception to six months of the baby's life.

If we read about perinatal grief we can find authors who establish other ranges (for example, from 22 weeks of pregnancy to one month, six months ...). There are many opinions on this topic.

I should emphasize that the pain associated with perinatal grief does not differ from the pain associated with normal grief, although there are differences between the two..

Article index

• 1 Differences between normal and perinatal grief
• 2 Consequences of a perinatal loss
• 3 How to help after a perinatal grief?
• 4 How to help yourself
• 5 References

Differences between normal and perinatal grief

When a loved one dies, society recognizes that loss in several ways:

• Allowing us to carry out the mourning rituals that we deem appropriate (funerals, masses, burials ...).
• Changing our role: we go from being a son to being an orphan or from being a husband / wife to being a widower.
• Getting a few days off from work to "recover".
• Receiving the support of the people around us, who ask us and are interested in us.

However, when the grief is perinatal and the loss is that of an unborn child, things change:

• There are no established grief rituals for this type of loss, which puzzles parents, who have the need to perform some type of rite, but do not know how, when or where to carry it out..
• There is no word in Spanish that describes the new role of parents who have lost a child.
• There is no option to take a few days at work, but you must join your position immediately after the loss.
• The support received is much less, since this type of loss is usually a taboo subject that is not asked or asked little.

Society does not recognize this type of loss, it denies it, maintaining the false belief that if something is not talked about, it is as if it never happened. This denial complicates the situation of the parents, who are helpless without knowing what to do or how to act in such a painful situation.

I must emphasize that society does not deny the existence of a pregnancy that has not come to fruition, but rather denies the existence of a social relationship between the parents / relatives with the baby, and therefore, if there is no social relationship, there is no duel.

The fact that grief over the loss of an unborn child is not recognized leads to a series of serious consequences.

Consequences of a perinatal loss

• Social isolation.
• Anxiety and fear of a new pregnancy.
• Wrong beliefs about the body and oneself (my body is not capable of gestation, my body is not worth, I am not worth ...).
• Guilt towards oneself.
• Depression.
• Difficulties when making decisions.
• Anger towards others (the medical team, God ...).
• Lack of care for the rest of the children.
• Lack of interest in activities of daily living.
• Eating problems (not eating or overeating).
• Problems in the couple (both relationally and sexually).
• Physical problems (tightness in the chest, emptiness in the stomach ...).
• Sleep problems (insomnia, nightmares ...).
• Feelings of ambivalence in the face of a new pregnancy.
• Feeling of loneliness, of emptiness.
• Sadness.
• Etc.

These consequences not only affect the mother, but also the father, siblings and grandparents. It should not be forgotten that they too have experienced pregnancy and, therefore, also suffer the loss.

How to help after a perinatal grief?

Whether we are professionals or not, we can help people who are going through this bad time in many ways. If you want to help you must:

• Acknowledge your loss, without denying what happened at any time.
• Allowing them to talk to you about what happened, letting them cry in front of you, asking them often how they feel ...
• Offer your support for everything they need, even if what they ask you seems ridiculous and insignificant.
• Find the resources that are necessary for your improvement (a doctor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist ...).
• Respect their decisions, such as whether or not to get rid of the baby's things.

You must also take into account a series of aspects to avoid and that unfortunately we tend to do:

• You should never say phrases like: "Don't worry, you will have more children", because for parents each child is unique, special and irreplaceable.
• You should avoid the typical phrases when faced with a loss: "Be strong", "you are in a better place", "everything happens for a reason"… They don't help.
• Do not tell "I understand your pain" if you haven't been through something similar.
• Don't judge the decisions parents have made.
• Do not look for positive aspects to what happened.

Unfortunately, perinatal grief is an unknown issue for most of the population, hence we have deficiencies when it comes to helping those who are going through this painful moment..

On many occasions it is better to stay by the side of the grieving person, offering our love and support, than to speak without having much idea and cause more pain.

How to help yourself

If you are going through a perinatal grief and you do not know very well what to do, how to act or how to handle all those feelings that overwhelm you, do not worry, it is totally normal.

The first thing you should do is understand that you are going through a grieving process, which involves a time of elaboration and a lot of associated pain. You just lost a loved one and that is very hard.

Here are several steps to follow to overcome the grief:

• Saying goodbye to your baby is very important to grieve. Ask the nurses to bring it to you and spend some time alone with it.
• Perform some type of funeral rite, in which the family and friends can say goodbye to him.
• In some hospitals they allow you to make a mold of your baby's hands or feet, photograph yourself with him or even bathe him. Whenever you want, these activities are recommended.
• Talk about what happened with your loved ones. If this is not possible, find a support group for this work.
• Do not contain your feelings and emotions, do not repress them, it is necessary for your improvement that you feel the pain associated with the loss.
• Learn about perinatal grief, the more information you have the better.
• There are many associations of parents who have lost a child, find out and encourage yourself to participate.
• Don't be in a hurry to get over the grief, it's a long process.
• Go to a psychologist, he will help you in these hard times.

Depending on the conditions, the duel will be more or less complicated to elaborate. A natural abortion is not the same as planning the death of your baby, it is not the same to have one or more losses ...

Regarding the duration of the bereavement, it is very difficult to predict, since a multitude of variables influence: the history of previous bereavement, personality characteristics, the type of death, the type of relationship with the deceased ...

As the author William Worden puts it: "Asking when a duel is over is a bit like asking how high is the top".

All these recommendations are aimed at accepting the loss of your child, both intellectually and emotionally. I know it's hard, but it's the first step to moving on with your life.

" The pain of grief is as much a part of life as is the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment "- Colin murray.

References

1. Cacciatore, J. Flenady, V. Koopmans, L. Wilson, T. (2013). Support for mothers, fathers and families after perinatal death. Cochrane Pregnancy and Childbirth Group, 6, 1-22.
2. Davidson, D. (2011). Eflections on Doing Research Grounded in My Experience of Perinatal Loss: From Auto / biography to Autoethnography. Sociological Research Online, 16 (1), 6.
3. Forhan
   , M. (2010). Doing, Being, and Becoming: A Family's Journey Through Perinatal Loss. American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 64,
   142-151.Complicated grief after perinatal loss
4. Gausia, K. Moran, A. Ali, M. Ryder, D. Fisher, C. Koblinsky, M. (2011). Psychological and social consequences among mothers suffering from
   perinatal loss: perspective from a low income country. BMC Public Health, 11, 451.
5. Gaziano. C. O'Leary. J. (2011). Sibling Grief After Perinatal Loss. Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health, 25 (3).
   Complicated grief after perinatal loss
6. Kersting, A. Wagner, B. (2012) Complicated grief after perinatal loss. Dialogues in Clinical NeuroSciences, 14 (2), 187-194.
7. Whitaker, C. (2010). Perinatal Grief in Latino Parents. The American Journal of Maternal / Child Nursing, .