Have you ever been waiting for a message that never arrives? Have you been dating someone and suddenly you don't know anything about that person anymore?
If you answered yes, you may have suffered a phenomenon called Ghosting.
To understand much better what this term means, we are going to present an example and, later, we will explain what exactly is ghosting, why does it happen and what is behind this phenomenon.
Marta is a 32-year-old girl and has been talking to 34-year-old Pablo for a couple of months. After calls, messages and having a lot of complicity, they decided to meet. They have met in person a couple of times and the chemistry has been spectacular..
Like every morning, Marta sends him a good morning message. Pablo, this time, doesn't respond instantly as usual. Hours go by and Marta still doesn't know anything about him. The next day, she decides to call him to find out if something has happened. There's no answer.
Pablo does not answer the phone or the messages. Days go by and one afternoon Marta realizes that Pablo has blocked her and she never heard from him again. It disappeared out of nowhere. Without giving any explanation.
Have you felt identified with Marta? Or maybe with Pablo?
When we talk about Ghosting, we are precisely in this situation. That is, when a person disappears from the relationship without giving any kind of explanation. In the era of liquid love, as Bauman would say, this phenomenon is occurring more and more frequently.
Among many, one of the main ones is that the person they have “abandoned” may feel a unresolved duel.
That is, instead of ending the relationship, as it should have happened between Pablo and Marta, the relationship remains in a state of stand by, in an unknown and in that perpetual pending conversation.
The person who suffers it, looks for an explanation, looks for an answer and we can see ourselves immersed in a stagnation at the emotional levell because of this phenomenon.
As there is no communication about the breaking of this link, the person is totally helpless on an emotional level even if, on the part of the person who disappears, wants to make the other understand that the relationship has ended despite not giving any kind of explanation.
Ghosting can create a feeling of uncertainty that generates a lot of discomfort and a feeling of not being able to finish or close the chapter and it is that, despite living in the era of immediacy and liquid love, ghosting creates a slow and painful duel.
We know that breakups are always painful and there is a certain degree of suffering in them, but when we do not know the reasons or have an opportunity to react to that final conversation that never occurs, it complicates much more all the management involved and the grief. that you can suffer.
Another of the main problems is the sense of guilt. By not having any kind of explanation, the abandoned person comes to blame himself, to think what he has done wrong, what he has been able to say or do so that he has been rejected by the other, entering a loop of why that does not stop.
In this sense, it is important to understand that, in these cases, although the responsibility in couples is bilateral, in this case, we are talking about a lack of maturity on the part of the person who has disappeared and has not wanted or can not face the break.
Therefore, you must start to get out of that loop of questioning and self-defeating..
Therefore, it is important to think that if someone ghosts us, their attitude speaks more about that person in question than about us. And that you allow yourself to feel the pain, the disappointment, the shame or whatever it is that we are feeling in that moment.
According to Feldman, E. (2012), people disappear because they do not have the clarity or strength to end the relationship and they avoid facing the moment of breakup. In this way, they generate a great wound to the other person to protect themselves.
Ghosting people are usually emotionally immature and selfish people. In this sense, they are people who do not trust themselves and do not have the necessary tools to face situations from a maturity.
Not knowing how to handle a breakup, they choose to simply disappear and thus not face the grief that, one way or another, they will have to go through anyway. These people mistakenly believe that when they disappear, the consequences and emotions that imply a sentimental break disappear.
As we have discussed previously, it is important to first allow yourself the pain, disappointment, shame or whatever it is that we are feeling at that moment..
You must experience disappointment and be able to manage it in the best way you can at the moment you are.
Second, it is important that can you close that duel. To the people I accompany I always recommend a very practical exercise to finish stages and close chapters.
In this case, you should write a letter to that person who has disappeared expressing everything you feel without any kind of filter. This letter is not for that person to read. Is for you. To be able to vent and untangle all that emotional discomfort that you feel and express it through words.
There are several scientific studies that have shown that if we put words to our thoughts they change our brain patterns and help us process painful experiences.
Finally, once you have processed all the emotions that have arisen in you and have made the letter, it is important that you take time for yourself in which you reflect what have you been able to learn constructively of this experience and that, above all, you understand that it has not been your responsibility and that you can manage, in future occasions, similar situations.
Ghosting is becoming a more common phenomenon due to the appearance of new technologies and the change we are experiencing in the new ways of linking ourselves.
It is important to reflect and analyze how and where we relate and know to whom we give our affection and love.
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